Rugby 101
Don't know Rugby? Well here's a crash course.
Here are the positions in a rugby team and a description of their duties on the field Warning: If you have no intentions of ever stepping into a rugby field, stop reading here. You have been warned! After this brief description, you will find yourself wanting to face up with the real men who play this sport.
The lineup is as follows:
Props (1,3)
The prop’s main duties are to support the hooker during scrum downs and boost the second rows to the skies during line outs.
The prop is generally the beefiest character in the field, and generally smells like a combination of a septic tank and a troupe of skunks that have just finished running the New York Marathon and have refused to shower. Most have their heads grafted directly to their shoulders, but some do possess necks.
Right to left at the front: prop, hooker and prop
Hooker (1)
The main duties of the hooker are to retrieve the ball when thrown into a scrum, and to throw the ball into line outs
The hooker has pretty much the attributes of the prop, but must also have superior ball handling abilities. A hooker must be able to work magic with balls to qualify for the duty.
Second Row (4,5)
These are generally the tallest chaps in in the team. Their work is to win the ball in line outs and provide the main thrust to the scrum down.
During line outs a second row must be ready to have his rugby shorts end up so far up his nether regions that he can taste the cotton. A second row’s voice is known to fluctuate between its usual bass and a high falsetto during line outs due to this very reason.
Second row in a line out. When you slip and the props catch you and hold you up by the shorts, you can hit notes that even dogs cannot hear
Flankers (6,7)
A flanker’s responsibilities are simple to get the ball during loose plays, and providing support for jumpers in line outs. The hardest, bone crunching tackles are generally attributed to flankers
Flankers are generally chained when not in play and fed a diet of raw meat and wet biscuits to further bring out the aggression within. If a flanker has locked sights on you you WILL come to earth.
8TH Man (8)
8TH Man, also called the Number 8, is called thus because they invariably are number 8.
They are at the very back of the scrum, and generally have the asses of the second rows in their faces 80% of the time. Their main task is to provide the ball to the scrum half from the scrum. They also win balls during line outs.
The guy at the back holding the ass the shorts of one of the second rows is the Number 8. Most second rows desperately believe the 8th man has no ulterior motives
A neck bigger than their thigh is a crucial prerequisite. A Number 8 should also refrain from squeezing too much on the backsides of the second rows. Most find it disconcerting.
Scrum Half (9)
The scrum half is tasked with providing the backs with balls won from the forwards. The scrum half tends to be the smallest player on the field and has the best ball handling skills.
Scrum halves generally tend to have voices that carry, and on a good day one at work can he heard in the next small town. They also generally have a lot to say, regardless of the willingness or lack thereof of the audience
This is the scrum half getting the hell out of dodge
Fly Half (10)
The weight of decisions rests with this player, who decides whether to kick the ball or pass it to the backs. Decisions MUST be made. Fly halves generally do the kicking in drop goals.
Fly halves must be called thus because they generally end up in deep shyit, due to the fact that they have invisible targets painted on their backs. A firm grasp of unprintable language is an asset to any fly half.
Left Wing (11)
Also known as Blind Wing, I wonder why? The left wing’s MO is simple:
1) Get ball
2) Make try
They are generally fast and light on their feet. And IQ is optional but opposable thumbs are not.
This is a wild eyed winger going for glory. Run, Forrest, RUN!
Inside Center (12)
Commonly known as first center. The role is to punch holes in the opposition defence, creating openings for the wingers.
The thicker the skull, the more suited a player is to fill this role, battering aside the opposition. If you use things like ‘body milk’, you need not play.
Outside Center (13)
Commonly known as second center. Tends to exploit the openings made by the suicidal inside center, and on occasion go for glory.
Outside centers cheer the loudest when tries and drop goals are made but by the same token tend to cry like babies when the team loses the game. Most teams pay air/bus/matatu fare to have the girlfriend at the sidelines should this transpire
Right Wing (14)
Fleet of foot is the best way to describe this player. Simple task is to deliver the ball over the try line.
The carrot and stick approach can be very well employed here (carrot – promise black forest cake and unlimited beer in the changing room. Stick – termites tactfully introduced into shots)
Fullback (15)
This is the last line of defence. The fullback generally is tasked to stop the attack of the opposite wingmen, as well as getting the ball the heck out of there.
Viewed from in front, a fullback has the arms and shoulders of Hulk Hogan and the legs and feet of Harry Potter.
You might as why rugby...like I’m always telling skeptics, there’s a lot to be said for running directly into a pack of 15 or so men who while recognizing that it’s God’s prerogative when to call you home, helpfully want to arrange a meeting.
Of course there were always hooligans who slipped through the cracks. For instance during a scrum down,when you’re huddled together with the enemy some gents would introduce variety. While in a scrum, your arms are around the shoulders of your team mates and you have no defence when an enemy hand reaches across and
Grabs your cojones in a vice like grip. Pushing in that scrum suddenly became a distant second on your priorities
Fingers smartly dig into your nostrils and while you are pushing upwards said fingers pull nostrils downwards
You’d ask why don’t you shout or something? Well, scrums are full of shouting anyway, so your Mariah like squeals of agony are drowned by shouting men.
The scrumdown. You’d not believe all the things happening under there!
Or take a maul for instance, when you lie on the ground, shielding the ball with your back as beefy men step over you to push back the opposition. The problem was that the opposition could, and generally would, push back, so there was an excellent chance of 29 very big, very heavy rugby players stepping repeatedly over you simultaneously with spiked boots.
A maul in progress. It is no fun being No. 11. Notice that dudes are still arriving and piling themselves on!
My heart beats faster just thinking about it.
And finally, if the proverbial genie were to offer me five wishes right now my answer without hesitation would be the following:
1) To be associated with this logo
2) To wear this jersey
3) To be this man
Tana Umaga, captain of the All Blacks
4) To do the haka before quaking opposition at the IRB World Cup finals
5) World peace, yada yada yada
Written by Thinker's Room.